In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses… - Ephesians 1:7
Where would you be without forgiveness? What type of relationship would you have with your family, your spouse, your parents, your siblings, etc. if it were not for forgiveness? What type of relationship would be possible with God if it were not for his offer of forgiveness? One of the great treasures of our faith as Christians is the biblical teaching that when we seek forgiveness, we seek it first and foremost from God, who is both faithful and just to forgive every transgression even if our human counterparts will not extend that grace. Sin is always first and foremost against God (Ps. 51:4), and therefore reconciliation is always sought with him first. Thankfully, he always offers it to those who know him, and it is he, not us, who is always initiating that reconciliation.
A problem creeps in, however, when we fall into the unbiblical mindset that says we must also forgive ourselves, as if God will not forgive until we have also managed to find inner peace and let ourselves "off the hook." This clearly adds a human element to the gospel. If we are going to be saved, it will be all of God's doing and none of ours (Eph. 2:1-9). When God forgives and offers peace to us, that peace is real. It may take us some time to wrap our heads around it, but it is not contingent upon our own psychological self-talk that declares, "I have forgiven myself." When Jesus pays the price and says “all is forgiven,” we can rely on that, not on some additional add-on that we throw in to make ourselves feel better. It is like having someone you love pay off a home mortgage for you and then deciding to write a check of your own to the bank to seal the deal. It makes no sense to pay for something that has already been purchased. Jesus accomplished it all on the cross; you cannot sweeten the deal.
What about forgiving others, is that necessary? Yes, it is. However, not as a prerequisite to the gospel hope we seek; rather, it is part of a demonstration of our repentance and obedience to God that follows naturally from our salvation (or should follow naturally). In other words, when Jesus tells us that God will forgive us if we forgive others, but not if we refuse to do so (Matt. 11:14-15), we understand that to refer not to our initial justification by God (being saved and declared right with him), but in terms of our own relationship with God subsequent to our justification. Our justification is a gift from God, and is not based on any action of our own (Titus 3:3-7). Our offer of forgiveness to others is part of our sanctification (becoming more like Christ). We cannot hope to have a good relationship with our Father in heaven if we refuse to offer to others the forgiveness that we ourselves have been freely given. When true Christians refuse to grant forgiveness, they inevitably find themselves under conviction by the Holy Spirit and they eventually make a change, even if it takes some time and prayer to reach that point. With that being said, if a self-proclaimed Christian refuses finally and completely to offer forgiveness to others, then that person is not a true Christian, whatever title they may claim (Matt. 6:14; 18:34-35; Mark 11:25; 1 John 4:20).
All of us, myself included, have issues in our faith where we demonstrate a tendency to put the cart before the horse. God is the great initiator in our faith. Yes, true believers truly seek God. True believers are justified in Christ, and true believers truly repent of their sins. The Bible assures us that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). That is a promise we can bank on. But none of these actions precede our regeneration. Unregenerate people do not seek God, the forgiveness he offers, or the tangible results of a new relationship with him (Rom. 3:9-18; 8:7-8).
By all means, forgive yourselves, you will feel better for it. Without a doubt, offer grace and forgiveness to others—this is your duty as Christ-followers. But please never forget this, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). You did not earn forgiveness; God provided it for you in and through his Son, Jesus Christ. Now that you have it, give it away freely - to yourself and others.
Grace and peace,
Pastor Jym